Down Days

Yeah; we all have them.  Down days.  Those days where we just feel helpless; like the weight of the world rests on our shoulders and nothing we do matters.  The accompany times of great stress or severe circumstances.  At least, they do for "normal" people; those without an imbalanced brain chemistry.  For those of us with that problem, those of us with bipolar, major depressive disorder, or a number of others, they occur far more often.  We all have our triggers; they aren't necessarily specific triggers, or even major triggers, but we have them.  Things that upset that fragile balance; stress, anxiety, sudden emotional shocks.  It's not something that "normal" people (which is a very generic term, used mostly for no apparent reason here, as I've yet to actually meet a "normal" person) can understand.  Mainly, it boils down to that chemical imbalance in our brain; any emotion you feel, is usually triggered by a release of chemicals in the brain (endorphins, for example, are released when you feel "pleasure").  Since our brains are already out of balance, it takes less of them being released in our system to create greater feelings (either on the "high" or "low" end of the spectrum) than is classified as "normal" to be feeling in the situation.  And, unfortunately, it becomes a cyclic thing; when we're on the "high" end of the spectrum, we tend to do things that make us feel good, whether it's spending money, taking risks or chances, or sex (unfortunately, hypersexuality (increased sex drive) is fairly common with bipolar disorder).  But since we're continuing to do those things, those "feel good" chemicals keep getting fed into our bloodstreams and prolong our manic episodes.  The same is true on the opposite end of the spectrum, too.  When we're feeling "down" we tend to feed on things that keep us there; things people say are taken wrong, or as personal attacks, we feel like everything is "bad" news, etc, etc, etc.  These periods are bad enough at the "basic" level of our disorder; for some of us, there's an even worse issue in the mix.  We're called rapid cyclers; we can cycle between these episodes in a period of days, or, in the most extreme cases (known as ultra rapid cycling) in a matter of minutes.  I say "we" because I'm a rapid cycler, myself (and it really does suck); I'm actually in that group that can switch back and forth in a matter of moments (sometimes seconds...it feels like, anyway).


Anyway; I thought I'd explain that some since part of the intention of these writings is to help try to explain to others some of what it's like to live with bipolar disorder.  And why some of the attitudes, and "information", presented and held by the public at large are not only wrong, but also down right insulting.


I mention all of this mainly because I'm having one of those days today.  A day where I'm fighting those feelings of hopelessness, feelings of being helpless, powerless.  But that's another story; possibly for a day when I'm not feeling so depressed.

Lost

I've had this song stuck in my head for a very long time now; it's the song "Lost" by Michael Bublé.

"Lost" - Michael Bublé

I can't believe it's over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
If I'd only knew
The days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were crying

Summer turned to winter
And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognized the girl you are today
And god I hope it's not too late
It's not too late
'Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When your worlds crashing down
And you can't bear the thought
I said, babe, you're not lost

Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy
But you're not
Things have seem to changed
There's one thing that's still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly fly fly away

'Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When the worlds crashing down
And you can not bear the cross
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost

The thing of it is; I really don't think I can say that I was as there for Misty as I should have been.  As I could have been.  Honestly, I'd say this song fits me better:

"Let You Down" - Three Days Grace

Trust me

There’s no need to fear

Everyone’s here

Waiting for you to finally be one of us

Come down...

You may be full of fear

But you’ll be safe here

When you finally trust me

Finally believe in me

I will let you down

I’ll let you down, I’ll

When you finally trust me

Finally believe in me

Trust me

I’ll be there when you need me

You’ll be safe here

When you finally trust me

Finally believe in me

I will let you down

I’ll let you down, I’ll

When you finally trust me

Finally believe in me

I will let you down

I’ll let you down, I’ll

When you finally trust me

Finally believe in me

Never want to come down

Never want to come down

Never want to come down

(Down, let you down)

I will let you down

I’ll let you down, I’ll

When you finally trust me

Finally believe in me

I will let you down

I’ll let you down, I’ll

When you finally trust me

Finally believe in me

That probably fits what really happened a lot better.  I really can't help but think that I probably did wind up being something of a disappointment as a boyfriend.

But it all leads me around in circles with questions; questions with no answers, or at least none that I can find myself.  I'm not even sure where I could begin, to be honest about it.  One question I know I've asked myself a lot, and it's a question that's being a little...presumptuous, I guess.  But I've often asked myself; what then?  It's a question bearing an answer only if things change and Mist and I manage to bridge this rift that's grown between us; and, also, only holds an answer if she wants to bridge that chasm.  Which, I'll admit, is another question I don't know the answer to; and is one that needs answered long before the other is even considered.  Although, in a rather strange sort of way, I guess it has it's relevance to the situation now, as well.  Because, the answer to that question determines whether or not to follow any of the other questions too.  Do we try to go back to what we were, what we used to have?  This one...this one I already have my own answer to; no.  I don't want to go "back" to something that was, at least partially, broken enough to lead to the way things are.  I want to build something stronger; better than what we had.

Memory

It's funny, the things our minds recollect at the strangest times.  Crazy things people have done, or things that we did ourselves.  Moments of embarrassment, of heartache, of joy and laughter; and moments of regret too.  I have my moments of those, naturally; as long as you have a pulse and a history you have regrets.  Maybe they aren't big regrets, but they are there, even if we don't realize that they are.


I mention all of this, of course, because I'm facing many of those regrets at present.  *laugh* I've talked about it with any number of people already; it still weighs heavily on my mind though.  But I've lost someone as dear to me as they possibly could be; and, the more I think about it, the more I believe it was mostly my own fault that it happened.  *chuckle* I don't blame myself for everything, at least, not yet, but I do see many, many areas where I could have been better as a person, and most definitely a better boyfriend than I was.  The entire situation is far too lengthy and complex for me to relate here (and is further complicated by issues arising from my disorder); I've bored enough people with all of the details already to go through it again.  Though (and I doubt there will be enough people take an interest in this blog :P) I will if there are enough requests to know.


But *sigh* that's what I'm facing now; regret.  Regretting the things I didn't say, the things I didn't do; and, in some cases, the things I did do, and things that I did say.  And, I'm also facing those memories; the good memories and the bad.  There was very little that Mist and I didn't share; either because it was an interest we had in common, or just simply because we wanted to.  So, everywhere I turn, I see something that reminds me of her.  Something that makes me think of her and remember something; her laugh, her smile.  All of it.  It's a crazy mess.  It's like a part of me is missing with her gone; a part of my soul that just...isn't there anymore.


It's funny though, when I'm talking about her like this, about how I still feel about her, is when I'm the most at peace.  I still haven't given up all hope that things will be resolved, though there is a strong "encouragement" from people that I should; but I'm stubborn *laugh*.  So very, very stubborn.  And, now that I'm closer to "normal", and gotten away from what I believe was a very negative influence (even if it was unintentional); I'm hoping that things will start moving forward.