Memory

It's funny, the things our minds recollect at the strangest times.  Crazy things people have done, or things that we did ourselves.  Moments of embarrassment, of heartache, of joy and laughter; and moments of regret too.  I have my moments of those, naturally; as long as you have a pulse and a history you have regrets.  Maybe they aren't big regrets, but they are there, even if we don't realize that they are.


I mention all of this, of course, because I'm facing many of those regrets at present.  *laugh* I've talked about it with any number of people already; it still weighs heavily on my mind though.  But I've lost someone as dear to me as they possibly could be; and, the more I think about it, the more I believe it was mostly my own fault that it happened.  *chuckle* I don't blame myself for everything, at least, not yet, but I do see many, many areas where I could have been better as a person, and most definitely a better boyfriend than I was.  The entire situation is far too lengthy and complex for me to relate here (and is further complicated by issues arising from my disorder); I've bored enough people with all of the details already to go through it again.  Though (and I doubt there will be enough people take an interest in this blog :P) I will if there are enough requests to know.


But *sigh* that's what I'm facing now; regret.  Regretting the things I didn't say, the things I didn't do; and, in some cases, the things I did do, and things that I did say.  And, I'm also facing those memories; the good memories and the bad.  There was very little that Mist and I didn't share; either because it was an interest we had in common, or just simply because we wanted to.  So, everywhere I turn, I see something that reminds me of her.  Something that makes me think of her and remember something; her laugh, her smile.  All of it.  It's a crazy mess.  It's like a part of me is missing with her gone; a part of my soul that just...isn't there anymore.


It's funny though, when I'm talking about her like this, about how I still feel about her, is when I'm the most at peace.  I still haven't given up all hope that things will be resolved, though there is a strong "encouragement" from people that I should; but I'm stubborn *laugh*.  So very, very stubborn.  And, now that I'm closer to "normal", and gotten away from what I believe was a very negative influence (even if it was unintentional); I'm hoping that things will start moving forward.